Hulk Hogan (democracy (post) to-come)

So a couple days ago, I was drinking coffee and watching some TV before I went to the library. There were two shows on at the same time, so I didn't really see the entirety of either episode, but I watched a good 12 minutes of "Hogan Knows Best" and probably 10 minutes of "House of Carters". (Luckily, they are re-running the Hogan episode AS I TYPE, so I am going to be able to watch the rest of it.) For those of you who don't know, "Hogan Knows Best" is a reality show about the ex-professional-wrestler Hulk Hogan and his family. His daughter, Brooke, is a monstrous 6-foot bleached-blonde (like if Christina Aguilera were on steroids instead of...uh...crazy pills?). I can only imagine grizzly bears getting in bed with this girl, and even they might still get the worse of it.

Anyways, Brooke is an aspiring pop-star, for seemingly no reason (she is hideous, can't sing, is not creative, etc), but the family somehow muscled (yes) Scott Storch, a famous producer, into signing Brooke to his label. To date, she has released a song, featuring a phoned-in rap from disgusting Houston sub-retard Paul Wall (his name itself raises the question whether he could remember his own name if it didn't rhyme), which no one on the planet could possibly have heard and enjoyed. To further her career, the family then moves to Miami, into an ultra-modern (but unfinished) house, where the new season has started.

In this episode, Hulk and his hulking wife are going around meeting the neighbors, carrying a plate of cookies. Afterwards they describe the neighbors as "very stiff...they didn't want to take our cookies." Because almost ALL their neighbors are JEWISH. But somehow, even though they are wearing yarmulkes and prayer shawls, this has not occurred to them. So when they get home, they tell their kids that these people are "kosher." Prompting the following conversation:
Brooke: "Dad, Kosher means Jewish."
Hulk: "Oh, like how sausage means Italian."
Brooke: "It's so funny to say 'kosher', because we just say 'oh, that's kosher, like... that's fine.' "
Hulk: "I thought Kosher was like...pickles."

There is a really sickening moment where the mom, who is this over-bronzed, over-boobed giant, is talking to these Jews as if they were from outer space, making this weird grimace, talking really loudly, and saying things like, "My daugh-ter, Brooke, wants to be like Brit-ney," while these Jews are clearly terrified of her and waiting for her and the cameras to leave.

Nonetheless, they plan an entire party for the neighborhood, but the mom insists that they have Kosher food because "Do you know how many Jews live here?" and stressing that she invited "all" of the neighbors to the party. So, they have a discussion about where to get Kosher food, and even what means:

Mom: "There's a whole grocery store called 'Be Kosher.' "
Brooke: "Mom, that's probably just the name of the store."
Hulk: "It's like an underground society I didn't even know existed."

When Hulk Hogan finally goes to Kosher World, he asks the world's friendliest person (who just happens to be working at the counter), what Kosher is, and takes this information back home:

Hulk: "Sounds like Kosher food is probably better than what we've been eating... I'll be eating Kosher all the time. It's much better quality food than what we've got."

When explaining that the animals "don't feel pain" and are taken care of and disease free, the mom puts her hands over her ears and shouts, "Let's not even talk about that!!" and makes this grotesque squeamish face.

At the party, Brooke is going about networking, and tries to shake hands with a Rabbi, who refuses to touch her (for which, who can blame him?) and IN SUBTITLES (even though he is speaking English), tells her he is a Rabbi. She concludes, "Rabbi means 'no touch'. "

Eventually, it turns out that the Kosher food is not Kosher, that Hulk has prepared it on a grill with the non-Kosher meat that he bought, but a younger Rabbi congratulates him on making an effort to reach out to his neighbors and is jovial about the whole event. Still, the younger Rabbi asks Hulk (unironically) if the grill had been put in a mikvah (a ritual bath), which has to be the most clueless question anyone has ever asked Hulk Hogan.

******
Two concluding notes:
1) The other show I was watching at the time, "House of Carters", is a reality show about Nick Carter (formerly of the Backstreet Boys), and his family (including 'tween sensation turned awkward-teenager Aaron). They have been deserted by their parents, who are divorced, and live in a palatial beach house together, getting drunk and having emotional breakdowns non-stop while all working on horrible (truly horrible) pop albums in their respective studios. But the show is almost too heartbreaking to watch the second the dad comes on the screen, dressed in expensive summer-wear, driving a sports car, gold watch, etc.-- all bought with his children's money, and is a complete VILLAIN. He lies, he teaches horrible lessons, he guilts everyone, he demonizes his ailing ex-wife (their mother), forces displays of affection, shouts people down, won't let anyone cry. Ugh. So this is actually more profound "human drama" than the Hulk Hogan show, but is far too raw.

2) What's really noticeable about the Hulk's encounter with Jews in Miami is not (only) his complete fucking ignorance--the man is a multi-millionaire who is in his late 40s and has traveled all over the world but doesn't know what a Jew is--or his surprisingly non-chalant understanding that it is just a different, more-or-less-wacky group with more-or-less-wacky beliefs than his own and (except for one mean-spirited moment where they contemplate buying non-Kosher food and passing it all off as Kosher) presumably only a few questions away from being accommodated and welcomed.

And I was reminded that probably half of my friends in high school (in Texas) were Jews (from New York), who now have all gone on to Law school and who I really don't keep up with. But watching this episode, I was reminded how appealing Jews are (have to be?) in places like Dallas or Miami: compared to Hulk Hogan, the Jews appearing in this episode are modest, witty, charming, intelligent, self-deprecating, understanding, well-spoken, ironic, etc. I don't want to say I grew up surrounded by Hulk Hogans, but yes, in Texas, someone being ironic, witty, able to explain their difference with some compassion on your behalf, is quite rare. And so I really saw this episode from the perspective of deep-compassion with anyone who had to explain anything complex (Kosher) to Hulk Hogan (a moron), and was reminded why (and this is not sarcasm) Billy Crystal and Jerry Seinfeld were two of the most popular comedians of the 1990s, especially with middle America, whereas Hulk Hogan's "Mr. Nanny" was one of history's great bombs.